I close out of TikTok, feeling frustrated. People don’t understand the point of It Ends With Us. This book is more than a love triangle between Lily, the main character, Atlas, her first love, and Ryle, a neurosurgeon. This book is about Lily escaping the cycle of abuse from her dad to her significant other.
Often, teenagers read books where the love interest emotionally and physically abuses the main character, and the author excuses their behavior, claiming that it is love.
An article from Kaneland Krier stated that romanticizing abuse starts when we are young. We are told when a boy or girl bothers you, it means they like you. Typical things we hear are “Boys will be boys,” “Tighten up, they didn’t mean it like that,” and “It was a joke.”
The media does not help either. They make toxic relationships healthy. They give the audience an attractive love interest with new and exciting “tropes.”
Teens start wanting the same kind of love as their favorite characters, ignoring the red flags.
Colleen Hoover was inspired to write It Ends With Us by her mom’s experience with domestic violence. The problem is the book is marketed as romance. Ryle forced himself on her, pushed her down the stairs, manipulated her, and sent her to the hospital. That is not love.
Booktuber Hannah [A Clockwork Reader] mentioned she was appalled that It Ends with Us was classified as romance. She described Hoover as problematic.
A teacher dating a student, step-siblings sleeping with each other, and dating someone for five years who was responsible for the fire that caused you trauma is not abusive in Hoover’s eyes in her other books, but domestic violence is an abusive relationship.
Hannah described Hoover as a hypocrite for calling It Ends With Us abuse when she romanticized abuse in her other books. When you read something toxic in a romanticized way, you will take that into your daily life if you don’t know how harmful the book is.
In After, by Anna Todd, Hardin, a rebel and a player with a difficult past, manipulates and physically abuses Tessa, threatens her, controls her, and is possessive. This behavior is justifiable due to Hardin’s troubled past. Tessa isn’t any better; she slut-shames, is judgemental, and jealous. She considered slapping Hardin multiple times when he bothered her.
In one instance, Tessa thought, “…he removes one hand from my wrists, but the other is large enough to hold both. For a second, I think he might slap me.” Hardin also threatened her, saying, “Don’t say that. Don’t you dare try and leave me…I can easily find out where you are.”
According to psychologist Dr. Sarah Davies, the author of Never Again: Moving On from Narcissistic Abuse and Other Toxic Relationships, “most of us find we replicate early childhood relationship dynamics in our adulthood. Usually, the kinds of relationships we have witnessed or experienced growing up are typically what we are drawn to as adults.”
Hardin and Ryle are two guys with trauma, from Ryle accidentally killing his brother to Hardin growing up with an abusive and alcoholic dad. Some people with trauma become abusers because they develop defense mechanisms like violence, shouting, and other acts of volatile actions. Some due to mistrust in others, some have problems healing, justification, etc. as stated by Learning Mind.
However, trauma is no excuse for abuse. Not all people who have trauma will become an abuser. It ultimately starts with you wanting power over your lover.
If authors want to write romanticized abuse, that is fine. There is a trope called dark romance, perfect for that. But don’t market that book to teens. They are new to dating and still naive. Target it to adults who know the difference between fiction and reality.
As an author, if you want to write a story about a character’s journey through abuse and how they heal, do it right; don’t market it as romance.
If we start to acknowledge how media and literature romanticizing abuse is problematic to teens and try to make a difference, teens will be shown a healthy relationship.